


Who Jizzed in my Salad?

by BoStarsky, sunnywritesstuff



Series: Assorted Kylux [51]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Armitage Hux is Not Nice, Blow Jobs, Blow Jobs in a Car, Bottom Kylo Ren, But he doesn't know until it's too late, Come Eating, Food Critic Armitage Hux, Hux is a Karen and a snob, Kylo gives Hux some 'special' salad dressing, Kylo sucks Hux's breadstick, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Rough Oral Sex, This is the cursed Olive Garden AU nobody asked for, Top Armitage Hux, Waiter Kylo Ren, but we did it anyway, crackfic, jokefic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:15:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25005277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BoStarsky/pseuds/BoStarsky, https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunnywritesstuff/pseuds/sunnywritesstuff
Summary: Hux is a snobby food critic working for The First Order Chronicle in a city full of metrosexuals when a new Olive Garden opens up. He expects the place will be an easy review, the food is always terrible at family chains, right? He's in for a surprise after he irritates his waiter, a tired college student named Ben who frankly couldn't give less of a shit who this guy is or who he works for. After Kylo gets fired for serving a very special salad, Hux bumps into him in the parking lot and decides on a perfect way for the dorky loser to pay him back.
Relationships: Armitage Hux/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Armitage Hux/Kylo Ren
Series: Assorted Kylux [51]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/993903
Comments: 11
Kudos: 46





	Who Jizzed in my Salad?

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone, please mind the tags! This is a jokefic and all in good fun, but the sex acts in the fic aren't fully discussed and there is some mildly dubious consent going on. Please use discretion if you plan on reading, we hope you enjoy! This fic was based on another one of our RPs, Bo is Kylo and Sunny is Hux. We're considering a sequel, so let us know what you think! :^)
> 
> PS. Hope y'all love the moodboard, it took me like an hour. I'm tempted to make this a thing in future fics. -Sunny

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/166100947@N08/50063572847/in/dateposted-public/)

This fucking place was going to be _easy._ Armitage Hux smirked as he folded his menu, phone out on the table with his notes app open and ready to be filled with scathing criticism. 

The First Order Chronicle would be _immensely_ pleased with his review, no doubt. Corporations had a lot of nerve coming into an upstanding place like _this_ building a fucking Olive Garden downtown. Nobody under the age of twenty-five or over the age of forty lived in Hoboken, it was a yuppie town full of uptight college students carrying cold brews and walking designer dogs. There was no way a stupid little chain was going to survive here, especially not in _this_ economy.

A waiter approached him, some greasy looking college guy with his hair pulled back in the tiniest man bun he'd ever seen, moles dotting over his face, and looked like he hadn't slept in days. His nose looked bigger than his future--There, the perfect line to start with.

Ben is tired, he's fucking exhausted, he’s been working double shifts for three days straight just to pay the rent on his shitty apartment. Not that they even pay him a living wage, the place has only been open for a week and he already wants to burn it to the ground, then change his name and flee the country. But he’s poor as shit, so that won’t happen. And now they’ve put this snooty looking asshole in his section.

The stick-thin ginger looks so damn uptight Ben doubts he could get a cactus needle up his ass with a jackhammer. 

“Welcome to Olive Garden, what can I get you?” He drones on autopilot, putting on a fake smile even though he’d rather die.

"A little of everything," Hux waves his fingers around in the waiter’s direction, "My tab with the Chronicle should cover it, they sent me to review this place. What do you suggest?"

“I don’t know, fucking breadsticks?” Ben suggests, already tired of this asshole.

"Pardon?" Hux is aghast at the man's choice of language, "Do you even _know_ who I work for?"

“Do you know that I don’t care? I’ve been here for almost thirty-six hours in the last three days, if I could care about anything it wouldn’t be you. Now, what do you want?” Please don’t let this jackass make a fuss, he couldn’t even care less about getting a tip as long as he gets to go home and fucking sleep soon.

Hux narrowed his eyes at the man, ready to rip into him when he realized it wasn’t worth it. He would probably spit in his food or something of that nature, and Hux wanted to avoid a scene if possible. Fine, he wouldn’t rip into him, but he _certainly_ would not be tipping and this encounter would _definitely_ make it into his review. 

“Fine, just get me a starter salad and the breadsticks,” Hux told the waiter in a flat tone, “I’ll see if I’m still hungry after that.”

If he had to make this guy wait _all_ day he would, just ordering dish after dish, taking his time with each one to perfectly eviscerate it with his words. If this asshole was lucky, he’d be home for dinner.

“What dressing do you want? Ranch or vinaigrette?” Ben asks while noting down the order on his pad.

“Vinaigrette, or whichever one you think is best. I don’t really care,” Hux told him, not really having a preference.

“Right away, I’ll get you our special vinaigrette,” Forcing a smile on his face, Ben goes to relay the order, already knowing that they’ll be out of vinaigrette and Hux will get the very special ranch. Handing in the note he hurries to grab a near-empty bottle and bring it to the employee bathroom. He doesn’t give a shit how petty it is, that guy is going to write them a shitty review and Ben knows he’ll get fired because of it so he might as well go all out and give them a damn good reason to fire him.

Hux took his time sipping his free water bought by another water and ordered himself a tasting selection of the wines they had in house, fully prepared to destroy each and every kind they had. His notes app was already filled out with burning remarks about fingerprints on his glass and already three whole paragraphs about his horrible waiter. That little stoner greaseball was definitely going to get fired after this, Hux was sure of it.

Ben doesn't think he's ever jerked off so frantically in his life, shooting his load into a fucking salad bottle like some heathen. twisting his face in disgust he caps it and gives the bottle a shake, going to pick up the salad and bring it to the table.

"Here you go, sir, I'm sorry, we were out of vinaigrette," Plunking it down on the table Ben retreats to a safe distance to watch and see what happens.

Hux glanced suspiciously at the salad in question. Where were the little bits of green all ranch dressing had in it? Why was there so little of it? Before he could ask the waiter what was in it, the insolent boy had already disappeared. Sighing, Hux shoved his fork into the leaves and used his other hand to begin commenting on the poor presentation of the bread and the salad as he took his first bite.

Lurking behind a pillar, Ben has an evil grin on his face, jumping when one of his fellow waiters sneak up on me. 

"So, did you do what I think you did?" Poe whispers over his shoulder, rubbernecking to get a look at the guy's table. 

"What did he do to deserve it?" "Was an absolute dick," Ben replies, neither confirming nor denying that he did indeed jizz in the salad dressing.

 _Salty. Little to no flavor...Sticky. Can’t be spit...Tastes sort of like vinaigrette?_ Hux was currently trying to figure out just what kind of dressing the boy had put on his salad. What he knew so far was that it certainly was not ranch. As he swallowed down his first bite, a realization dawned on Hux and he stopped typing on his phone immediately, his blood running cold. 

“Waiter!” Hux sputtered out, spotting the boy grinning like the devil he was in the back of the restaurant, “Get over here!” He snapped his fingers, ready to absolutely destroy the little devious asshole who he had the displeasure of being served by.

"Oh shit," Poe laughs behind him, "You're in deep shit, man." 

With that he takes his leave, hurrying off to see to his own tables. Ben knows he's fucked, but it was worth it just to see the expression on the guy's face. Unable to subdue his own grin he walks over to the table. "What can I get you, sir?"

Hux grabs a handful of the breadsticks on the table and chucks them at the grinning loser in front of him, “Your fucking manager, _asshole_. I know what you did!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, sir,” Ben snorts, thinking he might as well make the most out of this.

“This horrendous excuse for a _salad_ , dipshit,” Hux gestured to the bowl in front of him, “You think I don’t know what fucking jizz looks like?”

“That’s ranch dressing sir.” With a side of cum, and this pretentious dipshit ate it.

“Then you eat it,” Hux held out the bowl, “You eat it if it’s _just_ ranch. Sure doesn’t taste like any ranch _I’ve_ ever had before.”

“No thank you, sir. I won’t risk catching something from you.”

Hux slammed the bowl back on the table, fuming red in the face, “Your manager. _Now._ ”

“Sure, be right back.” Still smiling Ben marches towards the manager at the bar, bringing her back to the table with the asshole.

“You need to fire this insolent employee of yours. If you don’t believe me, I suggest you send this salad to a laboratory and have it tested,” Hux told the manager, still red as a tomato and boiling with rage.

While the guy is talking Ben stands behind his manager, miming along unflatteringly. The commotion is drawing attention, several diners watching it unfold.

The manager Hux explained his story and looked exasperatedly at Kylo, “Did you do it?”

“Did I do what? Jizz in his salad?” Ben raises a disbelieving brow. “Me? Never?” Despite his protest, he can’t keep the grin off his face.

“Yeah, okay. Do I need to call the cops or can you two take this outside? Ben, obviously you aren’t working here anymore,” the manager definitely did not want to deal with this. The accusation alone and the shit-eating grin on the employee’s face was enough motive for him, the guy was a huge slacker anyway.

“I know, and for the record, it was worth it. Olive Garden fucking sucks and your Italian food is faker than Donald Trump’s hair,” His Nonna would be ashamed if she knew he’d ever worked here in the first place.

“Well, I guess we can agree on something. Where is your accountability?” Hux grilled the manager, “Get this greaseball out of here before I call my attorney. If I find out I have an STD, I’m suing you for all the money you probably don’t have.”

“Whatever, I’m going home,” Taking off his apron Ben dumps it on the table, walking away before he can get further dragged into the mess.

After a few more minutes of arguing, Hux managed to secure a meeting with the owner of the building for next week to complain but was forced to pay for the meal if he wanted it to be tested for... Substances. He left the restaurant angry and still hopping mad, shoving his phone into his packet as he made his way into the parking lot...Almost bumping into the greasy loser that fucked his salad. 

“You’ve got a lot of nerve,” Hux spat as he took in the sight of the boy smoking in the parking lot, still feeling every bit of the distaste he had for him before.

“Says you,” Ben scoffs, taking another drag on his blunt. “How did you know what it was anyway? Suck a lot of dicks lately?”

“No, I’m not gay,” Hux sputtered, his face going red, at the idea, “You’re just a delinquent and I know what ranch tastes like.” No need to tell this guy anything about his life. Maybe if he wasn’t such a dickhead, he might be someone Hux would consider swiping right on...Minus the big nose and the blunt, he wouldn’t be so bad-looking. 

“But you do know what cum tastes like, I know you do.” Taking a drag, Ben saunters closer, breathing out the smoke into Hux’s face. This up-close he can look him over and come to the conclusion that he really is fucking hot. 

“You can call me Kylo,” He picks the first name that comes to mind, a dumb character he made up for WoW when he was twelve, it’ll do, “And I think you owe me something for getting me fired.”

Hux coughed, waving the smoke away, his anger and disgust rising, “I don’t owe you _shit_ , you made me eat your goddamn jizz and I have no idea if you’ve got _diseases_ or not. If anything, you owe _me_.”

“What? Want me to suck your dick and give you all my _diseases_?” Of which he doesn’t have any as far as he’s aware.

Hux felt like his head was going to come off, his cheeks burning as he realized the nice tailored pants he wore weren’t helping his case any. He could feel himself getting hard at the thought of having this loser sucking his cock- No, letting him fuck his face. 

Hux narrowed his eyes, “What are you, some kind of pervert? You think you can just feed people your jizz and expect them to want to fuck you?” His words were useless, anyway, his cock stubbornly filling out despite his internal screaming for it to stop.

“Maybe if you hadn’t been so rude and made up your mind to hate me for being overworked, I wouldn’t have jizzed in your salad? Ever think about that?” Ben smirks, glancing down at the very obvious erection filling out the guy’s slacks.

“Stop looking!” Hux seethed, trying to cover himself but the touch of his hand only making things worse, there the guy was again with his shit-eating grin, “You truly are _insatiable_ , Kylo. What kind of name is that, anyway?”

“The one you’re going to call me. If you think I’m giving you my real name, you’re fucking stupid.” Taking one last drag on his blunt he drops the butt and stomps it out.

“Fine. I’ll _let_ you blow me because you _owe_ me,” Hux smirked at him, forming a plan in his head of how to get his revenge, “And you deserve my cum in your mouth after the stunt you just pulled. Fair’s fair.”

“Are you at least going to tip me for it? I lost my job because of you,” Ben reminds him, hating that he’s going to have to go find another job that sucks ass and probably get fired from that too.

“Only if you make me cum,” Hux moved his hand away from his cock to feel for his wallet in his pocket, “Where do we do it?”

“Around the back? Your car? The bathroom if they’ll let us back in? I don’t fucking know, take your pick.” If they wouldn’t get arrested he’d even do it right here in the parking lot.

“Car, I suppose, but we’re not getting jizz on my seats,” Hux sighed, getting off the wall, “Follow me.”

At least he’ll get laid, Ben figures, trailing after Hux across the dark parking lot. If he swallows, he’ll probably get a good tip, so that’s something. Prostitution is what it is, but he needs the money more than his dignity.

“Alright, this one’s mine,” Hux clicked the button to unlock the doors, climbing into the back seat where the windows were tinted so he’d have more privacy.

Rolling his eyes at the fancy sedan, Ben follows, half kneeling in the footwell. He doesn’t wait for anything going straight for the guy’s slacks to get his cock out. He doubts foreplay would be appreciated.

“Careful with the belt, it’s designer,” Hux warns the man as he rips it off haphazardly and tosses it onto the car seat next to him.

“Do you want me to suck your dick or not?” Ben sasses him, pulling his underpants out of the way and taking his cock out. “Maybe I should fuck your mouth, make you shut up for a while.”

“On the contrary,” Hux grabbed a fistful of his hair, his stupid man-bun coming undone, _”You’re_ the one getting fucked today. Do you even know how to do this right? How do I know you’re not some basement-dwelling hermit virgin who’s never sucked a cock in his life?”

“I guess you’ll find out,” he hisses, baring his teeth at the manhandling.

“Fine, do it then,” Hux shoved his face forward, “Show me what my money is worth.”

Opening his mouth Ben wraps his lips around the head and takes a deep breath before slowly moving down until red pubes are tickling his nose. It’s not like the guy is even that big, more fat, filling out his mouth perfectly.

Throwing all of his cautions to the wind about STDs, Hux tried to hold back a groan as Kylo got his whole cock in his mouth. He can just go get tested again and hope for the best. This loser looks broke and probably isn’t getting any, and he hadn’t had his dick sucked in awhile. Hux was impressed with how he was taking it but didn’t let his moans escape yet. No need to give him an ego just yet.

Pleased with the reaction Ben pulls back off with an obscene slurp before sucking him back down, swallowing around the head. He’s going to earn that tip.

“So you aren’t a basement virgin after all,” Hux gasped out, trying to look somewhat put together, “You suck cock like a whore trying to get her crack money.”

Ben pulls off briefly to look up at the guy, giving him a smirk, “In this economy, I might be.”

Hux grits his teeth at the sudden lack of stimulation and forces his head back down, “Keep sucking, slut, I never told you to stop.”

Ben loves the way he’s so demanding, taking that fat cock back into his throat and bobbing his head along the shaft.

“I wonder what you’ve been practicing on, maybe those shitty breadsticks you call food?” Hux mocked as his eyes drifted closed, enjoying the feeling of the head of his cock bumping into the back of the boy’s throat, “‘Special ranch’ my ass, I’ll show you ‘special ranch’, asshole. Maybe if you learned to suck harder, you’ll find out what it tastes like.”

Ben shudders and moans at the degradation, doubling his efforts and shifting his stance to make room for his growing erection.

“Ugh, do it _harder_ , do I have to tell you everything?” Hux complains, digging his other hand into Kylo’s hair as well and beginning to fuck his face. The car was filled with sloppy, squelching noises as Kylo gagged on his cock, but Hux didn’t let up. Instead, he pulled his foot out of one of his loafers and felt around for the bulge in Kylo‘s pants he knew would be there. 

“Such a slutty thing, look at you getting hard over having your throat used,” Hux said snarkily as he pressed his foot into Kylo’s crotch, “You’ll go home after this, acting like you don’t care, like you didn’t absolutely _love_ this, but you do. You’re enjoying this, I bet you’ll go home and beat your dick senseless to the thought of being used by me.”

Kylo moans, relaxing his throat as best as he can against the intrusion. He loves every second of it, from the tears in his eyes to the drool on his chin it’s perfect. There’s nothing that gets him off better than being used as a fuck toy for someone else.

“Fuck!” Hux groans deeply when his climax sneaks up on him, pulling more wet, loud sounds from Kylo’s mouth as he chases the high. With one last unceremonious grunt, Hux ruts deep into Kylo’s throat, spilling his load and digging his fingers into the man’s hair for leverage.

It’s difficult to swallow with a cock in his throat but the feeling of hot cum spilling inside of him has Ben moaning like the whore he’s been accused of being. It’s the hottest encounter he’s ever had, his own cock throbbing with the need to come.

Hux pulled out of his mouth once he was finished, tucking himself away after using a tissue from his pocket to clean off his dick. The waiter boy looked pretty sitting there on his knees with his eyes watering and his lips looking pink and abused. 

“Well, I suppose you’re not utterly useless after all,” Hux hummed, clearing his throat before reaching for his wallet and carefully selecting a few bills. Two twenties and a ten were all he had left after paying for the food at the restaurant, and he rolled them up before sticking them in Kylo’s shirt pocket, “There, maybe you can go buy yourself a better attitude with that.”

 _Holy shit,_ fifty bucks. He can get food for days with that if he’s stingy. “Thanks, let me know if you need me to suck your cock again.”

Taking his pen and pad out Ben scribbles down his number and tears it off for the guy. It wouldn’t hurt to earn a little money on the side and get some satisfaction out of it. 

Though right now he’s sorely lacking in the relief department, his cock so hard it nearly hurts, “Do I get to come?”

“If you don’t get it on my car, then yes,” Hux used some hand sanitizer before putting the number in his jacket pocket. Who knew when he would need a good dick sucking again? It was worth keeping just in case.

As turned on as he is Ben simply grabs himself through his slacks, moaning while he rubs at his cock. He comes in less than two minutes, eyes fluttering at the wetness spreading in his briefs.

“Filthy,” a catlike smile appears on Hux’s face as he sits back to watch, “I might have use for you again. I’ll let you know if I’ll be in need of your... Services.”

Sticky and satisfied Ben leaves the man’s car fifty dollars richer. Not bad for swallowing a load, maybe he should look into making a career out of it.

Meanwhile, Hux deletes all the negative things he wrote about Kylo out of his notes app. The blowjob was definitely worth it, but the meal was still terrible and he still fully intended to tear the restaurant apart in his column. Maybe the next time he wanted a meal from a low-brow shithole, he could get a side of ass with it if Kylo so happened to be working that night.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic now has a sequel, feel free to check it out: 
> 
> [Dicked Down At Denny's](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25071241)


End file.
